No posts today, working on something big. Check back Sunday or Monday! And have a great Vulcan weekend!
Frank at IMAO is collecting military humor, and today he posted some stuff about submariners. Unflattering stuff. I will take it upon myself to defend the honor of steely-eyed killers of the deep everywhere (Jimmy Carter excluded):
Submariners:
- called bubbleheads
This is true, all the other sailors were jealous of our year round "Goth tans".
- are deathly afraid of women (hence no women on submarines)
Firstly, if you hung out with the women we did, you'd be scared of them too. Secondly, our fears usually went away after the fifth or sixth beer.
- wear sneakers instead of uniform shoes
Another truth, I had the coolest pair of orange Chuck Taylors that I wore when we were underway.
- are deathly afraid of any loud noise
Is liking your peace and quiet a bad thing? We were locked underwater, in a pipe, with a nuclear reactor and torpedoes! I'll never forget my first time underway when we operated a torpedo tube - the whole boat shook and there was a huge noise from venting compressed air - it was one of the three times on the boat that I was sure I was gonna die...
- listen to whales for fun
WRONG WRONG WRONG! This was only the wimpy sonar techs, part of the Men Up Forward (MUFs). in the engine room, we breathed steam and listened to the whir of the motors and turbines. And said "WHAT?!?!" a lot.
The second part, about sleeping on a shelf, etc. is pretty accurate I'm afraid. Here's a glossary of some of the terms used there:
non-qual - a newbie, someone not qualified to do anything useful. Also called nub, as in "Stupid nub, breathin my air and drinkin my water and watchin movies instead of standing a watch."
rack - where you slept....like a bed, only smaller. Actually, more like a coffin with one side missing. Usually found stacked 3 high. Tall guys had it rough.
lube oil - used in turbines, not for anal sex. All those gay rumors are untrue, although I knew a few guys who said they were gay to get out of the Navy. Convenient loophole there.
sound shorts - in the silent service, any noise that was transmitted into the water was a problem. All machinery was isolated from the hull by flexible mounts. A sound short occured when a piece of metal created a path to the hull from a piece of equipment, letting the noise out and making you easily detected. The sonar weenies would wet themselves over sound shorts and dropped wrenches.
stowed for sea/Emergency Deep - on ships, you don't want things flying around when you get tossed around by waves. Being stowed for sea means everything is tied down or put away securely. This is especially true on submarines, where you get steep up and down angles in addition to the side to side motion. Emergency Deep occurs when you're running close to the surface and the Officer of the Deck looks out the periscope and sees, oh, lets say a Japanese fishing boat - "Oh, shit, EMERGENCY DEEP!". You go to max speed and max down angle, which is a lot. Anything not stowed for sea will fly around and roll forward, making noise and upsetting the sonar weenies.
So now you're a little more up to speed on the rare breed that stood toe to toe with the Russky menace for so many years, allowing you to go to school and work safe and comfy. If you happen to run into one of us in a social setting, buy us a drink and show your appreciation. And please avoid making any loud noises. And please pretend not to notice the twitchiness and the frequent glances upward.|||108085670268252846|||
Happy Birthday Dear Jett,
Happy Birthday Dear Jett,
Bring your blog back, cause we miss you,
Happy Birthday Dear Jett!
Have a great Vulcan birthday, darlin!
pee ess - Happy April Fool's Day too!|||108082098613841330|||
UPDATE: If this is an April Fool's Joke, I'll be telling Google to kiss my ass real soon.|||108078469951732340|||
At the risk of empowering my many enemies, here's a quick list of things that I am unable to resist, things that hold me under their spell so strongly that I lose all control around them:
Barbecue Potato Chips - the old-school plain kind, like Golden Flake makes. I will scarf them until they are gone, no matter how many I start with.
Cute Little Sassy Blondes With Southern Accents - Like this one. Or the one I married.
Oreos - Especially the chocolate filled ones. Yummy.
Dark, Sultry Latin/Mediterranean Women - Exhibit A. The opposite of the blondes above, so I guess that makes sense.
The Internet - Blogs, news sites, geek sites, chat, games, it goes on and on. The nice thing is that overdoing it doesn't lead to hangovers, weight gain, or lawyers.
Callipygian Women - Look it up if you don't know what it means. And by "beautifully proportioned", I mean big. And round. Combine this with one of the other weaknesses above and you've got Trouble. With a capital T. As in boo-T. If you're in search of, just sign up and wait for the calls to roll in. Or, you can test your skills here, but for the love of J-Lo, turn down your sound first! It's loud and annoying.
Please try to use this knowledge for good. As in, send me some BBQ chips and some pics of your fine Italian badonkadonk. Or put your damn web site back up if you happen to be a sassy lil blonde with a Southern accent.|||108051381286828856|||
***BREAKING - EXCLUSIVE - MUST CREDIT SKILLZY***
************WMD FOUND************
Upon arriving in Birmingham yesterday, I was shocked to discover a clearly marked WMD in the baggage claim area. It got worse when I realized that the WMD was MY OWN BAG! How can I trust the TSA and Homeland Security when I'm allowed to lug a WMD all over Florida without being caught, without even a question? It's very disconcerting. I was in a hurry, so I didn't take the time to point out this problem to authorities. I calmed down until this morning, when it hit me like a bolt of lightning - *I* AM A WMD! It's very upsetting, I'll probably turn myself in Monday morning.|||108039573595089697|||
The average woman is 5 feet 4 inches tall. What does the average woman weigh?
Put your guess in the comments and I'll put the answer up tomorrow (or sooner, if someone guesses correctly). No Internet cheating, take your best shot!
UPDATE: The correct answer is a buck forty. Erin and Commissar got it right, Jett claims she would have if I'd let her. Whatevah.|||108015737461175047|||
Even though the former Soviet Union is no more, the Russian Navy can still strike fear into foes and friends alike.
The state of Alabama is now a hoops hotbed. Suck it, North Carolina and Indiana! This "hotbed" doesn't extend down to Auburn, unfortunately - they're looking at the possibility of NCAA trouble despite being teh suck this season.
Speaking of sucking it, the Ay-rabs are kinda pissed about Israel playing hide the missle with that Hamas guy. They feel that targets should be limited to women and children, rather than the people actually participating in the conflict. Allah is all over it, so go there for your updates and gross pictures.|||108004240372804550|||
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